Let the whippings commence

The moment we've all been waiting for...

.Get your Pomlázka out, boys!  There aren't many days in the year when ladies want a whipping gentle whipping.

So get out your Pomlázka and make your way through the village, neighborhood, apartment building, what have you.  But don't forget to start with the females in your home.  Some may not like it, some may like it more than they will admit, but these whippings gentle whippings chase away illnesses and bad spirits, and bring health and youth for the rest of the year.  Ladies, you know we are forever chasing that damn fountain of youth, so take it on the legs and be glad you didn't get doused with water (that's an alternative...).

Boys, recite “Hody, hody doprovody, dejte vejce malovaný, nedáte-li malovaný, dejte aspoň bílý, slepička vám snese jiný…”

Essentially, you're asking for eggs, an egg will do.  Preferably painted, but white will do just as well.

But these days who wants eggs?  These days you get money, or most likely shots of Slivovice (plum brandy) instead.  YES!

So all in all, when you break it down, Easter Monday is a day when 

ladies take a whipping gentle whipping to stay young & beautiful and the men get drunk.

Na zdraví!

Eggs & Whips

Happy Easter, Sunday!

If you haven't done so yet, dye those eggs and prepare your pomlázka for tomorrow's whippings gentle whippings.

In the Czech culture, today is a day to prepare for Easter Monday festivities, for Easter Monday trumps Easter Sunday.  

So I tried to be all Martha Stewart last night and dyed my eggs in a manner I have never even seen before, and it was SO. MUCH. *$@#*&%. FUN.  Not only that, it was super fast (cause who wants to be dying eggs for hours) and the color took way better than dipping an egg in a cup of dye and staring at it for minutes.  I highly suggest it to all of you who have yet to dye those eggs.  I may find myself dying eggs at random times throughout the year now simply because I want to shove my hands in shaving cream and slosh them around. Don't judge.

And don't even think about not dying eggs...or you will die.

Here is the video I somehow stumbled upon...

So good.  So, so good. 

Here are my eggs.  I recommend you watch the entire video, unlike myself.  I didn't leave the dyed shaving cream on my eggs for a while, just wiped them off straight away.  What can I say, I'm like a 6-year-old on Christmas morning tearing through presents.  Bur nevertheless, I like the pastel-color look they got.

And I won't die.

My next attempt, this guy:

I did't bake a Mazanec (gasp!), so am hoping that if I bake a Beránek, that all will be forgiven by the Superstitious Gods.

Here's a recipe in case you want to try your hand at Beranek

Men & boys... get your pomlázka ready for tomorrow!  Traditionally made from braided pussy willow, but if said pussy willow is not available, be creative.  And, go!

Good Friday...aka Superstitious Friday

Velký pátek (Good Friday) is upon us, and it is a solemn day.  A day of remembrance, mourning, and fasting.  It is also a day to bake bread to protect your home from fire, amongst other things.  

You see, on Velký pátek, Czech cooks prepare the traditional holiday bread, which under no circumstances can be cut or eaten until the priest says, "Christ is risen!" (Kristus vstal z mrtvých!) on Easter Sunday.  You best be shooing the children and spouses out of the kitchen before they bust into the bread and the house bursts into flames.

It's also a custom to mark a new loaf of bread with the sign of the cross before cutting it, in order to bless it and thank God for it.  Bread baked on Velký pátek, if left to harden in the oven, can be kept all year and its presence protects the house from fire.  I don't want my home to burn down, but I certainly don't want stale bread sitting around attracting critters.  Damn it, what is one to do?!

While I ponder stale bread vs home burning down, let's move on to even more Good Friday superstitions.  What, you thought the bread was it?

Hahhahahaha, silly you!

We have more, lots more!  And you best adhere to them... or you will die.  Better get a move on as it is Good Friday and the day is short:

- Women put quilts out to air out in order to chase illnesses out of the house. 

- People get up very early (damn, sorry I already screwed you on this one) and hurry down to the river (a stream, babbling brook, puddle in middle of the road will all do) where they wash themselves with cold water and then cross the brook or stream with bare legs because this ensures good health for the entire next year. 

- Take your daughter down to wash at the well.  Don't have a well?  Best find something that will do for your daughter's future lies in your hands.  You see, this ritual ensures that your daughter will be pretty and well spoken for. 

It is also believed that water sprites come out onto dry land on Good Friday... perhaps you'll spot one when you're washing down by the river.  Looks like this:

In my town, this is the local drunk.

Moving on...

Now for some small talk, "How's the weather where you are?"  No, seriously, how's the weather?  This is important because the weather for the whole year is foretold based on Good Friday's weather. For instance, if it rains on Good Friday then the rest of the year will be dry. Velký pátek deštivý dělává rok žíznivý ("A rainy Good Friday makes for a thirsty year.").  Based on this, it is safe to conclude that if it is dry today, the rest of the year it will rain.  Bummer for me.

We also have some legends associated with Good Friday (shocker).  I'll share two of them with you:

- Anyone can look upon the sun without being blinded by its glare.  Try it, let me know how it goes for you.

- High up in the mountains amidst the cliffs there is the stone figure of a maiden. She is seated and holds in her lap an unfinished shirt, also of stone. Each year, on Velký pátek, at the hour of the Passion, she sews a stitch: one year, one stitch. When the shirt is finished, the world will end. Everything under the sun will die, and Judgement Day will be at hand.

I told you we were a grim bunch.

BUT, that being said I will leave you on a good note. No one should work on Good Friday out of respect ... or from superstitious fears because it is said that if one works, it will bring misfortune.

Do what you will with that, but if you're at work, may I suggest busting out of there as fast as possible screaming about avoiding misfortune as you tear down the door on your way out.

Happy Good Friday!

PS.  Do not eat meat.  Or you will die.... 

Our Easter Traditions Have Begun

As you may already know, we Czechs are a superstitious bunch.  I'm not talking superstitious as in don't walk under a ladder, or find a penny heads-up and you'll start seeing rainbows and unicorns will cross your path whilst pooping pots of gold.  We need to go darker here people.  Much, much darker... 

We need to go down a grim path "...or you will die."

So this joyous Easter holiday, don't worry about dying eggs in shades of crimson and gold.  Worry about not following our traditions.  Or you will die...

So I am a day late here as our traditions began yesterday with  Škaredá středa (Ugly Wednesday), also known as Spy Wednesday to remind us that it is the day that Judas betrayed Jesus.  We may or may not remember that as we are wildly busy cleaning the house from top to bottom, bottom to top, side to side, inside out.  Not a mattress is left unturned and not a rug has been left unbeaten.  Oh, and children?  They come straight home from school and help with the cleaning...

HAHHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHHHHAHAHHAHAA

Ok, ok, now that I have composed myself, there is one tradition on Ugly Wednesday that we adhere to...eating honey.  It is said that if one eats honey on this day they will not be bitten by serpents.  

Guess you're shit out of luck if you didn't eat honey yesterday.  Sorry for the late notification.

Also on Ugly Wednesday, one is supposed to smile at everyone they meet.. If you don't didn't, then the entire year will be a sad one.  Again, my apologies.

But enough about yesterday, let's move on to today, better known as Zelený čtvrtek (Green Thursday).  Tonight, every boy in the neighborhood equips himself with a řehtačka (wooden rattle), looks like this:

Said boys rattle away as loud as can be to chase away Judas. Remember now, he betrayed Jesus. These noisy rattles will keep him away!  But you see, these boys will also come to your door... rattling.  Loudly.  Until you give them money.  Genius.

Green Thursday is also a day of fasting.  

HAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH

CZECHS DON'T FAST.

Fasting for us is not eating meat.  Thus Green Thursday, a day to eat green vegetables.  These days, green beer will do just fine.  Bring on the fasting.

It seems that men should wake at midnight and walk to the nearest brook to wash themselves in honor and imitation of Jesus.  According to legend, Jesus tripped and fell into the Brook Kidron on His way to His hearing before the high priest.

Set that alarm clock, men... and off to the nearest stream you go!

...Or you will die.

PS... whips and shots of alcohol are part of this celebration, more on that tomorrow!

Merry Christmas Eve! Have fun following our endless list of customs...

It's here!  Christmas Eve is here!

For Czechs, Christmas Eve is the big day and Christmas Day is spent relaxing, eating and drinking (we are Czech don't forget).  But today is our day to go all out and celebrate.  I myself have cleaned the home yesterday in anticipation of today, and today will be spent cooking for tonight's meal and wrapping gifts... with a cocktail in-hand, of course.

Let me share some of our traditions with you...

Czech's spend the afternoon of Christmas Eve at home with their families, decorating the Christmas tree and preparing food for the evening celebration. I have already failed my Czech traditions as I've had my tree up for well over a week now.  Tsk Tsk

Traditionally, on Christmas Eve Czechs are only allowed to eat sauerkraut soup during the day in order to see the "golden piglet". This lasts until early evening, when Christmas dinner is served around 6pm.

Um, I have failed at this as well.

A traditional Czech dinner is carp, our protein of choice, which is purchased live from sellers on the street, then either broiled or fried and served with potato salad.  

After dinner, a bell is rung signifying that Ježíšek has arrived and placed gifts under the tree.  Once all the gifts are opened, families play games, or watch christmas movies, or just have a merry time together boozing it up (err, the adults, that is). Midnight mass is attended by some.  I always mean to attend, but never quite seem to make it.  Shame!


That all being said, this is important so listen up!
Here are some Czech traditions you may want to follow...unless you want to end up dead! (not really)
 You should know by now that we're a superstitious bunch.



Christmas Dinner Customs
Disclaimer:  Very few of these are still observed today (phew).  Can you imagine sticking to them?  Although, the superstitious Czech in me is struggling at this very moment...

- No lights should be lit in the house before the first star comes out. After it does, dinner is served. - It's a cloudy day...what does that mean for tonight?  No dinner if no star??

- The table should be set for an even number of guests. An odd number brings bad luck or death.  - Great, we have three this year.  The dog will have to sit at the dinner table

- The legs of the table can be tied with a rope to protect the house from thieves and burglars in the coming year.  - Easy enough.

- No one should sit with their back to the door.

- Christmas dinner should consist of nine courses including soup, bread with honey, carp, potato salad, fruit (dried, fresh or canned), dessert (apple strudel or vánočka), and other foods.

- No alcohol should be served on Christmas Eve - GASP!!!!

- No one should ever get up from the Christmas table before dinner is finished. Doing so brings bad luck and death  in the family.

- Everyone should finish their dinner and leave nothing on the plate.

- The first person to leave the table after dinner will be the first one to die in the coming year - that is why everyone should get up from the table at the same time. - On the count of three...1, 2...

- Any leftovers from dinner (crumbs, fishbones, etc.) should be buried around the trees to ensure they will bear lots of fruit.

- All household animals should be fed after dinner so that no one goes hungry on Christmas Eve - well since the dog will be sitting at the table already...



And if that's not enough... here are some more tasks for us to do:


The Cutting of an Apple
After Christmas dinner, every person present at the table cuts an apple in half (crosswise, from the stem down).  Both halves are shown to everyone around the table.  If the core is shaped as a star, it means that everyone will get together next year in happiness and health.  A four-pointed cross is a bad omen and means that someone at the table will fall ill or die within a year.

The Throwing of a Shoe

An unmarried girl is supposed to throw a shoe over her shoulder and towards the door.  If the shoe lands with the toe pointing towards the door, the girl will marry within a year.

Fish Scales

Fish scales should be placed under Christmas dinner plates or under the tablecloth to bring wealth to the house.  Carrying a fish scale in a wallet all year will ensure that money will not run out.

The Floating of Walnut Shells

Little boats are made out of empty walnut shells and each family member places a little burning candle into a shell.  Everyone's shells are then floated in a bowl of water.  If the shell makes it across the bowl, its owner will live a long and healthy life.  A shell that sinks brings bad luck to its owner.

The Pouring of Lead

A piece of lead is melted over a fire and then poured into a container of water.  The resulting shape will tell the pourer's destiny.

After Christmas dinner, no field is to crossed until midnight mass.  He who does so will die within a year (phew, sure glad I don't live near any fields!)

A pregnant woman will know whether she is carrying a boy or a girl once the first Christmas Eve visitor enters the house.  If the visitor is male, she will have a son; female, a daughter.

He who fails to give a present on Christmas Eve will be met with poverty...

Don't be a Scrooge this Christmas!

 Certain plants, spices and foods are said to have special qualities and have been an important part of the Czech Christmas celebration throughout history.  Here are a few that should be served at Christmas:

Garlic

An essential part of Christmas that should not be missing at any Christmas dinner.  It is believed to provide strength and protection.  A bowl of garlic can be placed under the dinner table.

Honey

Honey is believed to guard against evil.  A pot of honey can be placed on the dinner table.

Mushrooms

Mushrooms give health and strength.  A traditional meal called kuba, prepared from dried mushrooms, barley, garlic, onions, and spices, used to be served as the main meal in the past.  Mushroom soup can be served before dinner.

Sheaf of Grain

A bundle of grain dipped in holy water can be used to sprinkle the house to prevent it from burning down in the coming year.

Poppyseed, peas, wheat, barley

If given to the hens on Christmas Eve, lots of eggs will be laid in the coming year.

Vánočka (Christmas bread)

Feeding a piece of vánočka into the well will ensure good quality of the water.

Apple

If the goats are given apples on Christmas Eve, their milk will be sweet.

Whoa, those sure are a lot of superstitions and traditions to follow... will you adhere or take a gamble?

A stroll across the Charles Bridge

 

At the statue of St. John of Nepomuk, be sure to use your left hand to touch the bronze plaque depicting St. John being thrown off the bridge and make a wish.  It brings good luck and ensures that you'll some day return to Prague.

A lot of people don't know the legend, thus they don't know which plaque to touch.  Or it could just be that sometimes there are a lot of people crowded around the statue waiting for their chance to touch it.  Whatever the reason, the pup has become quite shiny!

Although shiny from all of the people who've touched, this statue isn't nearly as popular as the previous one, thus you'll be able to touch St. John and make your wish.  On the bridge itself, see the cross with five stars?  Place the five fingers of your left hand on the stars and send a wish to someone (or to yourself) as you look into the Vlatava.  This is said to be the exact spot where the priest was thrown into the river in the year 1383.  Legend has it that stars appeared when he touched the water.

  Bruncvik 

He represents a mythical knight with a golden sword, a coat-of-arms and a faithful lion.  This statue is intended to remind the passers-by the rights of the Old Town, especially the right to take tolls and duty.  According to legend, Bruncvik was a Czech ruler who went to faraway countries to gain a right to have a stately coat-of-arms.  On his journey, he saved a lion from a dragon, and that lion then accompanied him everywhere he went, and thus a lion became the national emblem of Bohemia.  Bruncvik also acquired a magical  sword that protected him and could kill anybody on his demand.  Legend states that the sword was built up somewhere in the Charles Bridge and it will remain there until the country is ever in danger.  In 1890, a big rusty sword was really found in the bridge deck when the Charles Bridge was restored after a flood.

One of the most charming buildings in Prague...

Every evening someone comes out to light the lamp...